GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

September 27, 2002

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I can't stand to watch this soap opera of a breakup

by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone

Dear Big Tipper,

My best friend is behaving terribly and I'm losing respect for her. I know she reads your column, and I'm hoping she'll see this in here and realize how insane what she's doing is. Let's call her Alice.

Alice was going out with, let's call her Zillah, for almost two years. They're both really intense people, and they always fought a lot, over things that seemed reasonable to outsiders along with things that just seemed ridiculous and self-indulgent on both of their parts.

They seemed to have a special connection, but ultimately it was just too hard for Alice, and she broke up with Zillah. She actually broke up with her several times, and they'd always end up back together, sort of tentatively. They're still both very sexually attracted to each other. Lack of attraction has never been an issue.

Eventually, Alice moved out of town to about an hour away from here, and while

Of course, common sense means nothing when your thighs are on fire. And I'm sure it's a very satisfying "screw you" to someone who you suspect was sleeping with your then-partner to do the same to her.

Feel free to let her know that you think she's making a mistake, but she's going to do this until it hurts too much, or she stops getting attention from Zillah. Try not to look.

Dear Mary,

This is getting serious. My boyfriend always eats the leftovers. Wait, let me amend that. He always eats the good leftovers. I will frequently bring home part of a meal from a restaurant, and

BIG TIPS

she was still interested in having Zillah in her life in some way, it seemed like the breakup as achieving more solidity. Nonetheless, they were still spending weekends together sometimes, and Alice was still having a hard time really separating permanently from Zillah.

Now Zillah was always a big flirt and possibly a cheater while they were together, and since they broke up, both of them have been sleeping with a few other people each. I would think at this point that it would be okay for them to do what ever they want with whoever they want.

But: Alice called Zillah the other day, and one of Alice's best friends answered the phone. It turns out that Zillah is having a huge passionate relationship with this other best friend of Alice's, and neither of them told Alice. Now Zillah is moving in with this other woman after being involved for less than a month.

Okay, so that would just be the end of a sucky story, right? Except that Alice was in town this weekend, and she disappeared all afternoon, and when she came back, she told me that she'd been having sex with Zillah all day, and that Zillah wants to hook up with her occasionally, but that her new girlfriend wouldn't know about it. It's also a possibility that Zillah cheated on Alice with this new girlfriend when Zillah and Alice were still together.

My God, break up already! Why would you want to be with someone who cheated on you? It's horrible to watch, and I want her to just say enough already. Zillah is childish, and doesn't deserve Alice's love or attention. I just can't watch this any more. Slo-Mo Train Wreck

Dear Rubbernecker,

So stop watching. This is just one of those stupid, embarrassing things that someone does, then smacks her forehead over for the rest of her life.

While it can be hard to know when a relationship is really over, especially if it's been on and off for so long, most people would acknowledge that transition has been made when they've said "I'm breaking up

·with you,” move an hour away, and start sleeping with other people.

I always think that it will make a nice lunch. Then when I wake up in the morning, he's already eaten it! He rarely brings home anything, but he'll eat that when he does.

Of course, if we have leftovers from a home-cooked meal, they'll sit in the fridge until they've become something altogether different from what

they once were.

I feel petty asking him not to eat the restaurant leftovers, because it's not like we split things like my food and his food. It just drives me crazy that my French lentil and lamb sausage encroute is gone! Again!

Dear Pasty Perdu,

Sausage Fan

Hide them. If it feels too petty to say something, take the leftover container and put it in a nondescript bag, or better, a container like your home-cooked leftovers live in. Tuck it in the vegetable bin if boyfriend doesn't tend to look there. Ha ha!

Dear Big Tipper,

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

I refer to your August 30 response to Amigo Desconsolado. I feel that you demonstrated an excellent ability to teach what many Euro-Americans forget: that their parents or foreparents also hailed from other countries before calling the U.S. home. But most important was the cross-cultural skill of patience and understanding around different cultures.

The writer's friend has uncovered a part of himself that was dormant the majority of his life. I would also venture to believe that his friend has had more than “unpleasant situations" of being the only or one of few people of color in a Cleveland setting; one might lean toward saying even painful at

times.

Having returned from the continent of Africa for the third time, it is extremely validating, empowering and enriching to be in a location where mostly everyone around you looks like you.

Again, I thank you for your delicacy in handling this writer's dilemma and your sensitivity to cultural identity.

Dear Friend,

Thanks!

Amigo de la Big Tipper

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, online at www.bigtipsonline.com, or e-mail to question@bigtipsonline.com.